We call them "man's best friend", yet if we knocked out our best mate and took him to get neutered, we could safely assume that the friendship would be over. They are workers, friends, companions and, in some countries, kebabs, roasts and sausages. Since time immemorial, man has lived with dogs. They are our constant, providing us with a perpetual audience. But how do we cope when Tarby starts eating the furniture? What happens if Mandy goes mental?
To avoid distressing situations, we can get our dogs some smarts. A short course in dog training can help you connect with your dog's inner child. After a few weeks of study, they can usually be persuaded to spit him out.
A basic dog-training course should guide you through handling and care, to dealing with specific problems such as incessant barking or inappropriate knowledge of the table leg. The most important command that your dog should know is the Barbara Woodhouse favourite, "Sit!"
One of the easiest methods of teaching involves bribery. You put a treat on your hand, lift it above the dog's nose and then invite him to pull up a pew. If the dog remains standing and tries to grab the treat, you don't let him get it. You repeat the manoeuvre until he finally sits down, perhaps out of tiredness. He is then rewarded with the dog biscuit and lavish praise.
One common problem that trainers deal with is dominant dogs. This problem occurs when Rover thinks that he is top dog and you are merely one of his minions. He may not respond to your commands, be aggressive to visitors or refuse to let your partner into the bedroom.
You need to convince your dog that you are the Alpha male, the leader of the pack. To be most effective, this should begin when he is a puppy. Your leadership must be firm but fair.
You need to see yourself as an 18th century royal and the dog as your deferential subject. He should eat after the humans have finished. He goes after people through doorways and he should always move to get out of your way. If you establish eye contact, the dog must avert his gaze first. He shouldn't be allowed to sleep in your bed. All this will ensure that you don't come home to a Single White Female situation where you arrive through the door to find the dog has copied your hairstyle and is having dinner with your boss.
Dog training requires patience, a collar, a lead, and an understanding of dog behaviour. You should learn to be consistent with your dog - they don't understand the concept of "sometimes" and "maybe". Behaviour has to be divided into the black and white areas of "bad" and "good". If you start your puppy off on the right road, it is a lot more likely that he will grow up to be a obedient, moral, well-respected member of the community.
Don't worry if your dog is a bit dense. When you start early enough, even the most thick-skulled spaniel can be taught the basics. However, it is possible that all will fail and you feel a bit of a loser in the park as your dog tries to remember how to walk. However, there are ways that even the most inept owner can instantly turn into St Francis of Assisi. Look to the advice of the philosopher Henry David Thoreau - "When a dog runs at you, whistle for him."