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Private Investigation
Private Investigators. We were first introduced to the profession through the acerbic cocaine fiend, Sherlock Holmes. Subsequent detectives had their own charms and eccentricities. Hercule Poirot with his moustaches and Miss Marple with her fluffy cardigans consistently amazed the small, masochistic group of people who still asked them to dinner. "I think, my dear, that you have hidden the body in next-door's chimney. I knew by the anti-clockwise way you stroked the cat."
What really captured our imagination were America's P.I.s, gumshoes, private eyes, sleuths and shamuses. The tough American world of Sam Spade, Mike Hammer and other private dicks named after hardware grabbed us by the trenchcoat lapels and refused to let go. Testy dames, .45's, fedoras and smacks to the mouth made up a typical day for these hard-boiled detectives. However, if you decide to do a short course in an aspect of private eyeing, you will find that things have changed and you may get a smack in the mouth if the dame next to you sees you checking out her gams.
You don't need any particular qualifications to be an investigator but if you want to be taken seriously, you will need a basic knowledge of the law. A short legal course might be in order to give you the essentials. It is important to know what you legally can and can't do - copying the antics of maverick TV detectives could get you thrown in jail. Many people come into investigating are from a security, legal, police or military background and so have already established a degree of credibility.
Most of the cases covered by Irish investigators are fraudulent insurance claims and counterfeit fashions, CDs and cassettes. However, P.I.s also deal with fires, unfaithful partners, missing persons and background checks. A course in investigating should teach you interview and surveillance techniques and how to use the Internet to find out information. You should also learn self-defence skills to protect yourself out there on the mean streets. It is illegal for a private investigator to carry a gun in Ireland, so you can forget about loading up your hand cannon to distribute some rough justice. Instead, you should invest in a good pair of running shoes and listen up when your teacher demonstrates the vulnerable points on the human body.
The working hours of a private investigator are unpredictable - you could be languidly doing the filing when you are called to conduct a 12-hour stakeout. It's important to like your own company and not resort to calling, "I'm so lonely!" out to the suspect. You also need to have common sense and be non-judgemental. It's important to be able to empathise with both your client and the person you're investigating.
The advantage of doing a P.I. course is that you get to learn about all the James Bond gadgets that they use. They range form the mundane - tape recorder, thermos - to the extraordinary - pen transmitters and mini spy cameras. But the work of the P.I. is not always fun-filled. Your ethics should prevent you from discussing the specifics of your work with anyone and your actions may have serious consequences for others. But that's the way it is. You always knew the life of the gumshoe was a solitary one. Once you have your office, a gum-chewing secretary and customers you can just sit back and wait for the next broad to come in a tell you she's got herself into a whole heap of trouble.
